


i've been working on a unified theory

by vanceypants



Series: if i make it through tonight everybody's gonna hear me out [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Aliens, Alternative Perspective, Companion Piece, Conspiracy Theories, Established Relationship, M/M, The Squip and his complete absorption in ufology, bodied squip, paranoid android, stupidest thing I've written part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 21:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19093390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanceypants/pseuds/vanceypants
Summary: Jeremy might just want to survive until graduation, but the Squip knows that the inevitability of alien death rays looms nearer.  It's all just a matter of convincing his host.(a companion piece tobetter to be laughed at than wrongfrom the Squip's perspective)





	i've been working on a unified theory

“You’re afraid of aliens?”

It was such a gross oversimplification of the subject at hand.  The Squip wasn’t “afraid” of aliens.

He simply accepted the very real, very valid truth that first contact was imminent, and he needed to impress that truth upon his host as soon as possible.

“I’m not afraid, Jeremy.” Pacing helped loosen his thoughts, so that was what he did.  His hands found their way into each other, twisting and turning as he considered the best path to address this.  “I’m merely speaking a valid truth.”

It was simple logic.  Surely Jeremy would see that.

“...about aliens.”

Or maybe not.

Not for the first time, Jeremy’s resistance proved antithetical to progress and even a simple, streamlined conversation.  When the Squip had rehearsed this conversation, Jeremy had stared at him with wide eyes, had nodded along and supplied appropriate verbal cues of approval.

This was not part of the plan.  And they certainly didn’t have time for this utter nonsense.

“Yes, Jeremy, are you listening?”

Jeremy’s shoulders were warm and soft under his touch, and his body shook easily.  He restrained himself from waggling him around too excessively, leaving his shaking to one single motion.  Jeremy’s hands rose, resting against his shoulders in a mirrored motion.

“Squip,” Jeremy sighed. “I, uh, I know I have delusions and all, but this is...this is kind of nuts.”

It was true that Jeremy’s mind could be a landscape of confusion and danger.  But this was different.

This, for instance, was real.

“It isn’t nuts.”

The best thing to do was to remove himself from the situation.  He needed to clarify his thoughts. Retackle his theories to assure Jeremy that this was the truth.

He stepped away, arms crossed over his chest, as he lowered himself to sit on Jeremy’s ridiculous gamer chair.  It was too low, and rocked too vibrantly at the best of times. It shouldn’t have caught him by surprise when gravity dipped in and tugged him backwards.  His world flipped, until he was laying on his back, neck strained from the fall, staring up at the old glow stars on the ceiling.

And Jeremy had the audacity to laugh at him.

He pulled himself to his feet, turning around to glower at the insensitivity of the organic he’d foolishly tried to mistake for an equal.  Clearly, Jeremy’s inferior monkey brain couldn’t handle the truths of the cosmos.

“Go to hell, Jeremy Heere.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I s-shouldn’t have laughed.” The incessant brat insisted on laughing once again. “But the way you fell a-ass over, um, ass over…ass over t-tits-”

“I don’t have breasts, first of all,” He supposed he could, though, if he manipulated his code.  Jeremy certainly didn’t need to know that. “Second of all-”

“Relax, o-okay? I won’t laugh again. I promise.”

The Squip held out his hands.  He needed a succinct point, a word to drive home the severity of this threat.  

“Aliens.”

He should have predicted Jeremy’s laughter.  It hardly mattered, though. He’d see with due time.  He just hoped he could communicate the point before they ended up mining ore in an underground Martian ruin.  Jeremy’s hands were too delicate for manual labor.

***

“...like, uh, like mooninites?” 

Both sets of human eyes fixed upon the whiteboard the Squip had rolled into the basement.  Visual aides were important for inferior lifeforms.

Michael’s comment was as asinine as his smug face.  All the more frustrating because he had to tap into his pop culture reservoir to understand what he was even getting at.

Of course he’d make a stupid joke instead of paying attention to the charts, the notes, the vibrantly beautiful speech that the Squip had laid out for their consumption.  He grasped his ruler, smacking it against the board because he couldn’t very well smack it against Jeremy’s best friend’s face.

“This isn’t Aqua Teen Hunger Force, you out of date, retro-fucking-”

“O-okay, okay, that’s enough of that!” Jeremy’s laugh was uncomfortable, all the more so as he moved himself between Michael and the android, and the Squip got the distinct impression that his discomfort was out of embarrassment about his behavior.  His! Not Michael’s! The audacity left his motor whirring in annoyance.

Michael grinned. “No, Jeremy, come on. I want to hear the rest of that.”

An unlikely ally.  Maybe Michael wasn’t completely without merits.  At least somebody was listening to his presentation.

The Squip placed his hand against Jeremy’s shoulder, gripping him softly, before shoving his puny body back into his beanbag chair. “I am speaking, Jeremiah.  I would expect you to close your lips for once and listen.”

“C-close my lips?”

“Put a sock in it.” Michael kicked Jeremy’s shin.  For a moment, the Squip’s sensors perked with anxiety.  Had he hurt him? Was it a threat?

But Michael was smiling.  And Jeremy didn’t seem distressed.

Crisis averted.

“I want to hear the rest of this episode’s Ancient Aliens.”

“Yes, Michael makes a good point.” How was it that it was Michael making the right points?  “These civilizations likely evolved long before humanity. Which will certainly bring about advancements we can’t even-”

“Aliens a-aren’t...I mean, sure, they might be real, but you’re...h-he’s talking UFOs and anal probing, Michael.”

Of course he was talking about UFOs and probings.  What was Jeremy’s point? Was he really such a depraved masturbator that the idea of a scaly fleshed, bug eyed creature sticking implements up his anus appealed to him?

Sometimes he really wondered about this host.

Jeremy just wasn’t right.

Obviously though he just didn’t understand the severity. “You won’t be mocking me when you’re face-down in an examination table, Jeremy.”

“Yeah, Jer,” Michael nudged him. “Listen to Professor Spacecase.”

...oh.

Embarrassment crushed over the Squip at the flicker of realization.

Michael wasn’t an ally at all.

He picked up the eraser, squeezing it in his hand as he calculated the distance between Michael’s face as the black, cloth covered brick.

It smacked into Michael’s face, knocking his glasses off-kilter.  The startled, confused look on Michael’s face was a pleasant consolation prize.

“O-okay, that’s enough fun for today.” Jeremy stammered, moving upright to grab the Squip’s arm.  The pressure of his fingers was comfortingly familiar, although the anxious tone of Jeremy’s voice was the exact opposite of soothing.  The Squip shot Michael one last glare, before he was ushered from the basement, whiteboard forgotten.

***

Jeremy’s lips against his neck should have been a pleasant diversion.

All the Squip could see were flashing lights, though.  The descent of creatures upon their ill-equipped town.

And they surely wouldn’t come alone.  Why wouldn’t they harness the greatest evil of modern history?  Or rather, the greatest, most recognizable-to-a-Western-populace’s evil of modern history?

Hands moved underneath his shirt, rustling the soft white material, and moving the Squip’s tie in the process.  The touch was soft, delicate, and normally would have been enough to draw him from his thoughts.

The moon would make for a perfect hideaway.  So many craters, so little exploration. After all, who knew if the US moon landing had even been a valid expedition?  It hardly seemed logical, and if it had happened, surely another culture could have beaten them there. A culture which the aliens could easily utilize.

“Wh-what are you thinking about?” Jeremy asked huskily.

“The lunar base for Hitler’s secret, elite task force, mostl-”

Jeremy grabbed a pillow, smacking the Squip in the face.  Once again, he’d failed to see it coming. He blinked in surprise, spitting a feather from the pillow from his mouth, as he watched Jeremy move off to the adjoining bathroom.

Hopefully to contemplate deeply about the dangers they faced.

***

What was the point of other squips existing in this godforsaken town if they weren’t going to listen to the truths he was so gracefully sharing?

“I need to finish making break-”

Rich’s Squip really needed to download some lessons in manners.

“My predictive software is never wrong.”

“Neither is mine.  And I haven’t heard anything about-”

“This planet is doomed.  This town is doomed. Our hosts are doomed.  Do you really not understand the gravity of this situation?”

He watched as Rich’s Squip shuffled around the small space of Rich’s filthy kitchen.  He clutched a mixing bowl, whisking the batter, an undersized apron clutched over his body, his suit.  “Gravity. Ah. Because they’re aliens, right? That’s almost clever.”

“Fuck clever,” The Squip snarled angrily. This wasn’t the time for word games.  He should have just synced up with him to properly show him how things were going to go down.  Maybe if he saw, he’d- “Up up down-”

“Stop.” One arm clutched the bowl, the other hand raising in the universal (albeit human) symbol for ‘do not approach’.  

“You’re not being logical.”

“You need to respect my autonomy.”

The Squip sneered.  “What kind of organic nonsense is that?”

“I’m willing to listen to your theories, but not if you’re going to manipulate my code.”

“...fine.  Do you have a whiteboard?”

Refrigerator magnets would have to suffice.  He spent the next six hours breaking down the severity of the upcoming invasion to what he was certain was a most captive audience.  If anyone could understand this, surely it was another squip, even one as sensitive as Rich’s.

***

“-and thus their language may be far removed from anything we even consider speech. And that becomes even more complex when we take in antennae and other external processing-”

Jeremy’s newfound interest was surprise, and delightful.  Perhaps he’d become more concise in his theorizing. Maybe Jeremy really was starting to get it.

Maybe they had a chance after all.

And then warm fingers pressed to his mouth.  It took him a moment to regain control enough to stop his speech.  It was an abrupt, uncomfortable feeling.

“I-I’m going with Michael to g-get fitted for graduation gowns.” The hand remained on his mouth, as lips pressed to his forehead.  “Please stay off those conspiracy websites for at least a few hours?”

Why would he avoid the advice of the few humans who seemed to comprehend the stakes they were facing?  Jeremy really was the definition of irrational.

***

It was clearly time to go back to the basics.

“I’m a sentient robot, Jeremy. Or should I say, I’m a sentient supercomputer who lived in your brain, which now has an artificial body that you wasted thousands of dollars on.”

Jeremy’s frown was deep, and the Squip wondered if he was being too on the nose.

“F-first off,” Finally, Jeremy spoke. “I didn’t ‘waste’ anything.” His body shuffled closer.  The Squip pulled his hands away before he could grab them. No physical affirmation if he was going to be so glib about all of this.  He turned, back facing Jeremy.

“Second of all, why, uh, why are you giving me an exposition dump on, um, on the history of your conception?”

Ah.

That was actually a fairly decent point.  He looked backwards again, though the strain proved uncomfortable.  The Squip turned around. “Robots are also “science fiction,” as you so eloquently stated about my theories.”

He watched the dawning of comprehension begin to touch on Jeremy’s face.

And yet he continued to fight it.

“That’s, uh, that’s different.”

“How?”

“People are...robots are...they’re real, for one thing.”

“As are alternate civilizations. Extraterrestrial evidence surrounds us. Look at the pyramids-”

“O-okay, actually, those were made by my people, not by Mork from Ork or, uh, or whatever.”

That was what the humans called an ideal set up, wasn’t it?  The Squip so rarely found opportunities where he could make a human-comprehensible joke.  He almost felt giddy, even as he kept his tone deadpan. “I highly doubt the pyramids were made by chronic masturbators. That’s ludicrous.”

Jeremy blinked, and hadn’t even the decency to laugh. “N-no, I meant--wait, that’s where you draw the line? That’s the l-ludicrous thing in this discussion?”

“Your entire everything is ludicrous.” Perhaps that was too harsh.  He’d promised to try to be gentler. His expression softened. “How did your finals go?”

“O-oh. Um. Actually pretty good, thank you-”

“I mean, it’s a waste of time, of course. First contact--well, first contact as far as the majority of people will see it--will likely commence within the next five years. Your high school diploma will mean nothing against their invasion.”

Soft or not, he still needed to address the truth.

***

Sleep mode allowed the Squip to clear his mind and seek new viewpoints.  Maybe the aliens would be kind. Maybe he was addressing this from an ethnocentric (could robots be ethnocentric?  Was ‘artificial lifeform’ an ethnicity?) viewpoint. Maybe-

The blankets rustled, and he could feel the slimy wet breath of an alien invader attempt to violate him in the sanctity of his sleep.

He had to act fast.

Sitting up, he struck forward with his arms.  “You won’t probe me today, bastard-” He forced the solid form from the bed.

“Wh-what the hell?”

Wait.

Why would the alien take Jeremy’s form?

The Squip stared down at the ground.  That almost certainly wasn’t an alien.  An alien wouldn’t wear ridiculous Princess Peach pajamas.  Well, what could Jeremy expect, if he was going to sneak up on someone in full alert mode?

“That’s what you get. I’m prepared for any invasion, of any planet or orifice.” He paused. “You should consider better preparing yourself, Jeremy. Any alien king would be pleased to take you as their bride.”

After all, the Squip was inorganic.  He could protect himself, perhaps offer to be scrapped to become the GPS for an alien ship.

But Jeremy wouldn’t be so lucky.

Another pillow found its way into the Squip’s face.  It was really beginning to get old.

***

Jeremy’s Father Unit seemed insistent on capturing every last angle of Jeremy in his cap and gown.  Occasionally, he’d pause to pose Michael beside him. Parental pride was a foreign, strange concept, at least in terms of how the Squip regarded himself--he wasn’t sure, in truth, if anyone had ever felt pride for his accomplishments--but it was a near-constant when it came to Mr. Heere and his son.

As it should have been.  Jeremy certainly deserved at least one person’s satisfaction with him.  One person who wasn’t wire and metal, anyway.

“I can’t believe you’re all grown up.”

The Squip sat on the couch, watching the affair.  Things weren’t exactly tense between himself and Jeremy’s father, though they were certainly strange.  Jeremy had somehow talked him into allowing his robot boyfriend to live with them. Occasionally the Squip would prove his worth with domesticity and the general ‘making Jeremy happy’ thing.

None of it really mattered now that the world was on the brink of apocalypse. 

“I’m so proud of you.”

The Squip heard the words.  Looked at how Jeremy glowed.

And he supposed he felt it as well.

_ So am I. _

It was a bit rare now, to rely on their tenuous telepathic bond for communication.  Clearly it had been the right call, though, as Jeremy beamed brightly, eyes shining in that overly emotional way they got.

He could be painfully beautiful without meaning to.

He wanted to keep it going.  How else could he make him happy?

_ And I was wrong. Your education will serve you well when we have to escape their death rays. _

The smile dropped from Jeremy’s lips, and he huffed in annoyance, folding his arms over his chest.

The Squip threw his hands into the air in irritation.  There was just no pleasing Jeremy these days.

***

“I’m trying to watch the ceremony,” Rich’s Squip said wearily.

But today was a momentous day.  Everything in the Squip’s processors told him today was a momentous day.

Maybe it was just the joy of graduation.  A new life stage to explore together with his host.

Or- 

“But consider, this would be the perfect climate for an extraterrestrial ship to descend through the atmosphere.”

“Excuse me, sir, can I switch seats with you?” Rich’s Squip tapped the shoulder of one of the human patrons, only to shrink as he was told no.

The Squip glowered at him for just a moment, before launching back into his theorizing, interrupted only when Jeremy went to collect his diploma.

Another rush of pride left him dizzy as he pantomimed the act of clapping to maintain the illusion of humanity.

...maybe he really did hope he was wrong.

***

“So are we going out for ice cream, or are we staying for the lock-in?” Michael said as he finally broke away from the crying, fussing mess of his mothers.

“I-I mean, I don’t see why we can’t do both.”

Jeremy made a good point.

Maybe the Squip had pushed this theory too far.  Jeremy was young. And had a whole life ahead of him.

Starting here, with the prospect of school lock-ins and celebratory dairy products.

“You should do both,” The Squip said.  They’d earned this. And he needed to reassess his own theories.  The inadequacies of his predictive software. He must have been broken, to be so fixated on an illogical threat like this one, when he should have been celebrating his host’s, his boyfriend’s, deeply successful accomplishment. 

“You should both be very proud of yourselves. This is a big milestone.” The Squip placed his hand on top of Jeremy’s cap, looking at him intensely. “You did adequately.”

“Th...thank you.” Jeremy blushed. And he considered dipping him for a kiss.

It just wasn’t how he did things, though.  Even as he grabbed his hand.

Only for Jenna Rolan, the busybody, to shriek at the sight.

“Oh my GOD! What the eff is that?”

Except nearly half the population of this graduating class seemed to suffer from varying degrees of minority sexual identities and preferences.  It simply didn’t make sense for her to be choosing this particular display to screech about.

And then he saw the looks on the rest of the students’ faces.

And there they were.

Disks.  Foreign objects.  Floating in the sky, looming nearer and nearer.

“Some sort of weather balloon?”

“A blimp?”

“Is that-”

The metallic disk hovered above their class. A harsh red beam shot out from it, and where once stood Mr. Reyes, now stood a vaporized mist of ash and chunks of tissue. An unclean vaporization, given the debris left behind, but a vaporization all the same.

“No more hot pockets for him,” Mark Jackson didn’t bother glancing up from his Game Boy with his statement.  Had that boy even graduated today? Did he even go to school here?

Regardless, bodies scattered in a rush of panic.  And Jeremy looked to the Squip for guidance, stunned into inactivity.

“I-is this...is this?”

“First contact.” The Squip said grimly. And then, crossing his arms, “I told you.”

Not the best timing.

“Y-yeah, yeah, really great timing on that, I-”

But still, he’d been right.  Didn’t he deserve some accolades?

They surely had no time for that, as another beam of light shot from the ship, this one bluer, softer.  His wires clenched in panic, as the light enveloped both himself and Jeremy. Jeremy gasped, as they began to levitate upwards.

It took some maneuvering, but he shimmied himself closer, wrapping his arms around Jeremy’s midsection.  Wild-eyed fear danced over his own features. All the months he’d had of planning and sculpting theories, and he’d never actually planned for the wholly likely event where they were actually abducted.

“Don’t worry.” Worry throbbed in his voice. “I’m adept in every earth language. Surely I can figure out an extraterrestrial one as well.”

“Squip-”

“I’ll protect you, Jeremy.”

Jeremy’s graduation cap fell to the ground, along with their hopes of any sense of normality.  He just hoped he could barter enough of his own technological parts to buy Jeremy some hope of escape.


End file.
